Role Models by John Waters

October 25th, 2010 at 5:22 pm

“If you’re not sure you could love your children, please don’t have them, because they might grow up and kill us.” – John Waters, from the chapter “Bookworm” in Role Models

Role Models by John Waters

But you’re probably wondering, who the hell are John Waters’ role models?

Well:

Johnny Mathis, an imprisoned Manson girl, the colorful characters of Baltimore’s dive bars, Little Richard, and outside pornographers like the “Mexican American man who has blown hundreds and hundreds of really cute Marines and lived to tell about it. The Almodovar of Anuses, the Bunuel of Blow Jobs, the Jodorowsky of Jerking Off.”

Oh.

Waters’ essay-cum-memoir is impulsively readable, funny, and I enjoyed it immensely. My only regret was that I did not wait for an opportunity to enjoy the spoken version. The great treasure/pleasure of the read was imagining the sound of Waters’ voice. I love it so.

How could anyone resist someone with this to say: “Is anything better than waking up after a late-night read and diving right back into the plot before you even get out of bed to brush your teeth?”

Before even brushing your teeth?!?!?!?

They don’t call him the Pope of Filth for nothing.



Due Date

October 15th, 2010 at 3:00 am

I liked it the first time when it was called Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.

Due DatePlanes, Trains, and Automobiles

Due Date? More like Douche Date.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But seriously, Robert Downey Jr. is great and Zach G. is funny and I’m sure their movie is fresh and original.



Reading High Art

October 13th, 2010 at 4:25 pm

So I was reading “Beverly Hills, 90210: Where Are They Now?” and came across this brilliant nugget:

“Most recently Jennie [Garth] starred in a web series on iVillage called “Garden Party” that’s sponsored by Hidden Valley Ranch and promotes healthy eating for kids.”

iVillage. Garden Party. Hidden Valley Ranch. Healthy Eating.

I don’t know where to begin so I’m just going to enjoy this fit of guttural laughter.

But it gets me thinking about my favorite show and where its colorful cast of characters are now.

America's Funniest Videos

That old man who slipped off the dock? The dog chasing the laser pointer? The Dad who got smacked by the pinata? The limber old lady dancing in the back yard who gets blindsided by a Labrador and stumbles sideways into a lawn chair…where is she now? Whatever happened to her? The kid on the skate board who flew over the fence and into the bushes? Is he okay?

And for those purists out there, feel free to just read the descriptions of the show:

“A man has a run-in with a squirrel hiding in his chimney; a woman faints at a surprise party being thrown for her; a bride’s veil catches fire; videos from Oklahoma.”

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!